Isn’t Consuelo A Spanish Name?

My friend Joie and I decided to spend a weekend mixing booze with benzos in America’s most inebriated city Newport, RI!   For many people, Rhode Island is the state you end up in when you miss an exit or just someplace south of Boston.  To me, Rhode Island is famous for its beautiful beaches and corruption, the perfect place to spend the weekend or a bribe a politician. We did both!

Our hotel was the Royal Something-or-Other and cost around $42 a night with tax. The decor was horrible but the rooms were clean and the staff was nice and breasty. The best part about the Royal Something-Or-Other is that it is very close to Newport!

We woke up early and illegally parked at one of the entrances to Newport’s famous cliff walk. The Cliff Walk follows the shore line and features stunning views of the ocean on one side and mansion on the other. This time of year it is pure ice and I nearly had the pleasure of falling down The 40 Steps to my death. Fun!

We decided to tour one of the Vanderbilt mansions, Marble House. The Vanderbilts in all their forms, spent an enormous amount of money building the biggest most vile rococo halloween horror mansions in the country. Marble House is one of the more tasteful Vanderbuilt horrors and one of the few Newport Mansions open in the winter. They do not allow photography inside the buildings and they do not appreciate pointing at the horrific furnishings and making vomit sounds. No. Wrong!

I am gonna show you a thing or two about tacky!

One of the questions asked of our benzo-ed up tour guide when we were in Consuelo Vandberilt Balsan’s room was “Isn’t Consuelo A Spanish Name?”

After divorcing Mr. Vanderbilt, Mrs. Vandberbilt married Mr. Even-tackier and moved down the street to a mansion of even greater horrors. Upon realizing the rococo plague she had brought upon this world, Mrs. Vanderbilt returned to Marble House and built this chinese tea house so that middle class people would have something nice to gaze upon when visiting her home after it became a museum.

Alas, that is all for now my dear friends.

Things To Know

As mentioned previously, pointing at furnishings and vomitting is a major faux pas. So is asking, “If Mr. Vanderbilt built this for her birthday what did she give him?”

Do not step foot across the gates at 9.59 because they won’t let you on the grounds until it opens at 10.

Many people like to put on airs and act snooty in places like Newport in order pretend that they belong. No. Old sweaters, boozie faces are the way to go. Also, you belong wherever you are at any time.

You can pretty much get away with anything in Newport because nobody who matters, is paying any attention to what you are doing.

Charlotte is hot.